I miss something. I'm not sure what I miss, but for some reason everything just feels incomplete and 'strange' today. I miss Isla-Mae and can't stand being away from her, and obviously I miss Ava-Grace (sleep tight, sweetheart) too. It's not that though, it's something else. My old life, maybe. But not quite. I think I've just had way too much time on my hands to spend milling over everything and thinking about all of the things I used to do and no longer can. I miss learning, I would love to study and do something productive with my time that has a beneficial outcome, yet I wouldn't get a job anyway so there's no point getting in to debt just for the sake of it. I miss sports. I used to (and still do but can no longer do it) absolutely love playing Netball. The adrenaline rush during a game, the teamwork, the being a part of something. Running, I used to enjoy that too, but then I went over on my foot and done some pretty bad damage to my retinacular tendon, peroneus brevis and peroneus longus. That combined with the Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, my foot has never been the same again. Whenever I have attempted to run on it since it's just snapped again and I've been off my feet for weeks if not months. I wouldn't go as far as to say I missed school because quite frankly those were the worst years of my life, no matter how many people try and tell me that "school is the best time of your life" because for me, it wasn't. End of story. Nights out letting my hair down and getting happily drunk, the social life, I miss that. My sister is off to university tomorrow to study Forensics & Criminology (brain box!!) and I am so incredibly proud of her. I saw her this evening and I told her to make the most of it, stay safe and enjoy it. I only wish my body would've allowed me that experience, too. I attempted college, three times actually. However one thing or another lead to me needing to quit. I worked, I loved it, then lost my job due to time off sick during my probationary period when I became paralysed from the waist down for a while. Modelling. I loved it, it gave me a sense of self worth and a bit of confidence. Now even considering it knocks my confidence because all of the fantastic achievements and companies I used to model for, they wouldn't bat an eyelid to me anymore now I'm unwell and full of tubes, lines and surgery scars.
Relationships. So many people are in relationships and again, I'm happy for these people, but I can't help but wonder when it will be my turn. Yet I feel extremely selfish even thinking about it because with all of my medical conditions and hospital admissions, it hardly sets a solid foundation for a blossoming relationship. People get bored or frustrated and that's fine, I get that, but it still hurts. I try not to allow myself to develop feelings for people anymore because I worry that it will always end in hurt. Even in past relationships where people have swore to me that they'll never leave, "we'll get through it together" and that they'll stay by my side and hold my hand throughout it all. When the going got tough they left, too. I need someone to prove that not everybody is like that, yet whenever I let myself develop feelings and in time begin relationships, it always ends the same way. I'm either told "this isn't what I signed up for" or "it's difficult with you being in hospital all of the while" which as I've just said, that's fine, I get it, but it still hurts. I'm tired of it all. I want someone who will take the good with the bad, laugh with me, cry with me, and love me for me. Someone who will ignore the medical side as much as possible and just enjoy me as a person. I am not my illnesses, but being left because of them makes me feel like my illnesses define me no matter how hard I try to not let them. One thing I will say though, is that I always seem to fall for the ones that I can't have even if my mind were to allow me! Such is life.
Social life. Everything these days includes eating and drinking. You go out with friends for lunch or for coffee, family meals, parties, nights out, etc.. you get the drift. It's not until you can do neither of those things that you realise what a huge part eating and drinking plays in socialisation. I mean yeah I could drink now as I have my Venting PEG so my stomach content is drained in to a bag attached to the tube, but that's not the point. It's awkward. People get grossed out by it too which I guess is fair enough but I can't change that situation. Speaking of which, it bugs me how people make a big deal out of not eating in front of me. They all get like "oh god no I can't eat in front of you, it's not fair, no I wouldn't do that to you!" or words to the same effect. What they don't actually realise - nor seem to understand when I point it out to them - is that it actually offends me more when people do this. I find it humiliating as they are drawing attention to a situation of mine that I would much rather (but am unable to) forget about and pretend it's not happening. At the end of the day, I can't change my situation (heck I would if I could!) so why should others have to change theirs? They shouldn't. I would never expect or ask someone to not eat or drink in front of me just because I can't do either of those things the way that they can. I often halfheartedly joke that I'd actually fit in more than ever on a night out drinking because most people have a few drinks and spend the remainder of the evening with their head over the toilet, vomiting! I prefer to laugh off things like this, even though in reality there is nothing funny about the situation and its circumstances.
I guess that's how I've always coped. 'Coped', I use that term loosely. I don't think I have ever really 'coped' with anything. I've just got on with it. Not because I've shut myself off, but because I have never had chance to 'get over' one thing before something else happens. My life seems to happen very fast and it's always one thing after the other. For example if I were to break my wrist and be unable to write and then break my legs a short while after and be unable to walk, I wouldn't have chance to grieve over no longer being able to write before I began grieving over no longer being able to walk. I hope that made sense, it did in my mind anyway.. Many of times I have heard "I don't know how you do it, I couldn't cope in your situation" but the truth is, you would. You would because you have to, there is no other choice. There is no easy way out without leaving a trail of destruction behind. So you just deal with it in the ways which you know best, whatever those coping mechanisms may be.
Anyway, I'll most likely post again later on this evening. Actually, I've just looked at the time and realised that we are actually in the early hours of the morning now and I hadn't realised! I'm off to get my antiemetic medication and then I shall probably do another post as I have lots of topics drafted ready to elaborate on and publish that people have asked me to cover.
- K. x
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